Dear African Brother,
You are beautiful. You are a Believer. You are protective. You are intelligent. You are family oriented, respectful and ambitious. You are witty. You dance well. You love to share random things with me. You are the master toasters and you have the power to make me happy – sometimes. But you can also act like the common sense your Creator gave you abruptly decided to take leave of your person.
No, seriously, for real, FOR REAL son – uhm, if your name is not Asamoah Gyan, aka Baby Jet, and “sexy like cheese” does not roll from your lips with the ease that banku rolls into your mouth, then you need to re-consider some of those words that you decide to say to your lady friends.
Shall we consider the following? Yes, let’s do!
“Do you give good massages. I bet you do“ is NOT a turn-on. Yup, I KNOW this may come as an abso-freaking-lutely crazy shock to you, but texting (you heard me right) me about my masseuse abilities DOES NOT lead to me wanting to give you a trial run. Oh, and sending me that text during booty-call hours, is sooo not cool. What do you mean, “do I give good massages?!!” I’m not stupid, I KNOW where you’re going with this and no, I AM NOT touching your nasty flesh! Fleeeeeeesh – ain’t TOUCHIN’ it! What kind of foolish question is that to ask? If you need a massage go to your local mall and sit in one of those massage chairs prominently displayed in various kiosks and stores. Better yet, go pay that money and get the foolishness beaten out of you! Maybe your common sense will creep back in?
“Hey am starving, did you cook some banku?“. Heh, charley, do I KNOW you like that? Oh, yeah, that’s right – I DON’T. What about a “hello, how are you? How are things?” before you launch your questioning of what I did or didn’t cook for you? Okay, okay, so you’re thinking – what’s wrong with this question? Hmm, we could discuss the inherent stereotype that I even cook (which, I do and quite well, thank you very much) or that I would give him my food. Or what about the assumption that we are cool enough for you to ask me if I have spent capital on you. *beep beep beep* I think we have a wiiiinner! I don’t know you like that. And the fact that you made the next comment (during one of our very first conversations) doesn’t endear you to me.
“You know I have to exercise right so I can EXERCISE RIGHT. You know what I mean. You know. You have to be in shape. You know what I mean. He he he. For the ladies. He He He”. He he he wettin? Dude, we just met. Like seriously, this is what, my first or second conversation with you? Why are you bringing up your physical needs? Yeah, and please, he wasn’t talking about Tae-bo exercise, either, if you catch my drift! And when there is silence coming from my end, as I try to understand why you would bring this topic up so soon in our acquaintanceship and why you think I would want to know ANYTHING about your sexual needs is BEYOND ME. Yup, FREAKING BEYOND ME. I don’t care what you want or need. It makes no never-me-mind if you need to get in shape before you feel your manly prowess is enough. I DON’T CARE! Have I, at ANY point in this conversation or the one prior to it mentioned anything about romance or sex? *tick tock, tick tock, tick tock* OH YEAH, no. I haven’t. So if I haven’t brought it up…what makes you think I want to hear anything about it?
So what do you do when you have to put the sauce on the chalupa?“ *puzzled grimace* WHAAAAAT!!? Sauce on the CHALUPA? WHAT THE WHAT? Okay, this is our second conversation since I met you at the GH independence party a few weeks ago. If this is your slang I’ma need you to explain it. Hello! You want to actually speak phrases that I can understand? Oh, wait, wait, wait? I’m supposed to be able to read your mind, right? Oh, okay, sorry about that – obviously I was too confused to realize I was telepathic! And then when I push you more to explain yourself, you hem and haw, finally spitting out enough words to make me realize that you are asking me about my sex life. WHO ARE YOU! Have you LOST your mind? Forget common sense now, but just the brains that were once inside your skull – yeah, those, have they been sucked out of your ears? Did some Ancient Egyptian scribe forget you were actually alive and after anesthesizing you, scrambled your brains and then pulled them out of your nose? Anaa s3, you are so ignorant that you think such a question is valid and necessary to ask a women you barely know? Or is it that no one has ever told you of your own inherent madness so you don’t realize that your words are offensive?
Fellas, seriously? So that filter between your brain and your mouth? Yeah, mmhmm, THAT one, soooo I’ma need you to TURN IT ON! Haba! KAI!