They say that one must begin as one wishes to go on, only, I’m not completely sure how I wish this to go on. I’ve never been good with keeping to one theme – probably because my mind is like a spider web, wherein every issue touches upon another issue, and I can never limit my thoughts to just one idea; there are too many connections to explore. Perhaps that is why I’ve never felt satisfied with just one dream, one single all-encompassing vision to work toward.
All my life, I’ve dreamed, my mind a complex wonderment of thoughts, jumping from one place to another, sometimes through the most impossible of links. There have been multiple times when I wish I could just focus all my energies on one aspect of myself, just so I could “finish” it completely – be done with it! I’ve chided and berated myself because I wasn’t like other people; wasn’t able to set aside parts of myself instead of intensely feeling or thinking to the point that I couldn’t always focus quite as well on just “getting it done”. I’ve been envious of those people who seem able to make one thing in their life their focus, giving it all they have. I’ve tried to be like them – so as not to feel an outcast.
But you know what? I’ve never been happy when I do that. I become quietly sullen; not realizing that when I can’t indulge in the art of living – of experiencing with all my senses, of exploring new worlds – I become oddly perturbed. I lose my sense of balance, my sense of being “me”. Restlessness becomes a constant companion, indecisiveness and irritability my friends until I step away, breath the quiet air of a neighborhood bookstore or walk down a wooded path; bringing myself back to the places and things that help to make me whole.
So here I am. Learning to accept the undeniable fact that I will never be one of those individuals who think that emotionality, dreaming and gut impulses are reasonless and lack logic. I am learning to accept that it’s okay if I’m not like other people – it’s alright if I find beauty in a tree bark or happiness in a crossword puzzle. It’s okay if my music collection includes haunting Celtic voices, glorious Handel’s Messiah and an angry Eminem. There’s nothing wrong with drinking hot Colombian coffee while eating a warm French baguette with melting Irish butter sitting in a kitchen in Ohio; nor is there anything amiss with watching Korean dramas and eating Galbi w/ spicy Kim Chi.
I don’t have to exist by the standards of those around me, only by the standard of The One who made me – and who is teaching me that what He has put in me was placed there for a reason. Slowly I am learning to love what He has given me; to work on what is not right within me so I can become more like what He sees me to be.
So here we are. I can’t tell you what to expect from this blog; only that what will be, will always be me; whatever that is…
If you feel moved, I would love to hear your thoughts. Leave a comment!